Don’t believe it!
From the beginning of the relationship I have an internal dialogue, questions of stories told that border on the wrong side of feeling right. I even ask about them. There is something askew in his persona. His recollection of his childhood stirs feelings of empathy. As a young adult he misses out on an opportunity of scholarship in an élite school by 1 or 2 points. Instead of going to another college he enters the service, the Army, because his vision precludes his flying. It seems he misses the golden egg by miniscule measures throughout his life, and it’s never his fault.
I have a need to be needed. I want to be of service and help others to improve. The need is too much and becomes a hindrance in making credible decisions. I jump in too quickly, push aside pesky doubts. I have a warped sense of my abilities to improve someone else’s life. My own life becomes secondary. Marry hastily and repent in leisure.
Every disagreement is an opportunity to look at my flaws. All discussions should be about me and not him. If I bring something out about his part in the disagreement, I’m trying to blame him; circle, circle, circle, no solutions, no agreement, down the drain into the sewer of despair. How can someone be an abject failure and at the same time have an inflated ego? There’s something broken in me. I’ve spent too much time taking care of others without thinking about myself until the situation becomes unbearable, broken beyond repair, and I leave feeling I’ve somehow failed.
Too many years go by and my depression leads to isolation. I persevere in trying to build a marriage in sand, latching on to the one thing we have in common, spiritual matters and Bible doctrine. However, there comes a time when even that is held to ridicule by his actions. He withholds information and dodges inquiries. Am I in denial? It’s true, a cover up will be found out; missing funds will be noticed, and many will suffer because of the fraudulent activity of another. So it is that I lost my home and went to live with a son in California, and now make my home with my sister.
I’ve experienced personal growth during this time. A 12 step program gave me clues into my actions, and taught me skills to make decisions based on fact. I have an internal dialogue now that tells me think before I speak or take action; to say what I mean and mean what I say. I pay attention my intuition, question everything, believe nothing. I’m learning to apply the doctrinal principle of being kind without being a doormat.